The Thing They Didn't Tell Me About...Communicating with a Middle School Boy
Oh the Middle School years, how difficult, how treacherous, how awful. I think that middle school just all around sucks, no matter how great a school or how great your kid. In fact, it sucks even more FOR the middle school kid and I honestly am so glad I never have to go through it as a child again EVER. I've got my first middle school kid and he is in 7th grade and oh boy!
The thing they didn't tell me about...communicating with a middle school boy is...
There are so many things that have taken my otherwise sweet and wonderful little boy and turned him into a dude I barely recognize. Obviously there are the puberty changes and so far besides a little stench, a barely there mustache and the fact that he has grown several inches in the past couple months, we are still in the very beginning phases of this. The emotions involved in puberty are far more offensive than the other stuff right now. Don't get me wrong, when I noticed a darkening patch of hair on his upper lip, I felt sad that my baby faced boy was no longer and he was starting to become a man. When he started to outgrow his clothes in weeks and upped his food intake, my pocketbook felt the strain. When he started to look like he was getting a bit more solid and not as lanky, I reminisced about how I used to hold him and carry him around upside down until we would both crumple on the floor in laughter, but none of it compares to trying to understand his personality and to communicate with him right now.
No one told me that having a middle school boy would be as emotional a roller coaster as it has been. I have been fully preparing myself for the emotional ride that my daughter (who is not a middle schooler just yet) will be putting us on and while I've been trying to figure that out, our son has completely caught me by surprise...with my pants down! (Not literally) I was expecting outbursts of anger for seemingly no reason...from my GIRL child. I was expecting many tears and sadness over friends and changes that are beyond their control...from my GIRL child. I was expecting laughter and joking and new personality traits emerging due to the friends they surround themselves by...from my GIRL child, but wasn't prepared at all for all of these things with my boy. I am shocked and unprepared. It's my own fault.
His personality is just...annoying. I love him to death and love his interests and passions. I like that he is trying out sarcasm and joking around. I don't like how he makes sound effects all day long that are sometimes noises that I find unacceptable for inside the house, or the car. I don't enjoy how he beats a joke to death by going over the punchline again and again until we are all plugging our ears, yet he still doesn't get it. I do not like how he asks me something, I give him an answer and two seconds later he asks again and expects a different outcome. What in the hecky heck??? He is like a walking meme factory filled with inside jokes shared with no one. At least no one that lives in the house with him.
Talking with him and actually getting somewhere is by far the most challenging part. You can't come right out and ask him anything or you will get a one word pretty flat answer. "Yes." "No." "O.K." is about all that comes out of there unless you are strategic. It is exhausting at the least, but I am here to tell you it is totally worth it. My husband, although having chunks of time during the week in the car with our son, gets little to no info from him during those drives BUT he keeps asking and chatting with him. Every night the hubby takes the dog for a walk and invites any and all of us to go along. During those times when just our son goes along and they have a good 20-30 minutes of just the two of them (plus dog) is when he is able to nonchalantly get our son to engage in actual conversation. For me, it is a little harder but at times easier as well. PUT FORTH THE EXHAUSTING EFFORT TO GET YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL KID TO TALK, IT IS WORTH IT EVERY TIME. Sorry I had to yell at you to get your attention but I want you to hear a story of a recent night with our son.
I noticed he was acting a bit off. I asked him and his response was, "I'm fine." That was the end of the topic. I couldn't shake the feeling that he had something on his mind, but I had to be sneaky and "trick" him into talking with me about it. Asking him outright = too obvious. He was sulky all night, which tore my mom heart up a bit, knowing he had something on his mind but didn't know how to bring it up or if he even needed to bring it up. After dinner he was up in his room building Legos by himself and I decided just to go and be with him. I knocked and asked if I could come in and doodle with his sketchbook and markers (that I saw on his bookshelf). He said sure and I was in. I laid on the floor and told him I was sorry I wasn't any good at Lego building, but I wanted to spend some time with him and appreciated him letting me doodle up his sketchbook and use the good markers. So for about 15 minutes I just drew and he just built and not many words were exchanged at all. Finally, I asked him how archery was going and one thing led to another and he was telling me about his friend troubles. No doubt a misunderstanding, but he was talking to me. I didn't interrupt and just listened and then he said,
"No I shouldn't tell you that part."
Ok this is where being his Mom came in handy because my response was,
"Well now you HAVE to tell me. I'm your Mom and you know I'm going to try to make you talk now. It's what I do."
So he continued on and told me about an interaction that had really baffled him and hurt his feelings and now he was unsure of a friend's feelings about him. BINGO. I had found what was occupying his mind and giving him such trouble and we talked it out. I asked questions and gathered information. I asked what I could do or if he needed help. We truly listened to each other and talked it out. I finally let him be and went to talk to my husband about the situation while he continued to ponder and to build. I was not reassured that I had done anything at all to help him, but I was glad that I got him to chat with me at the least. It wasn't until later that night that I was reassured it was worth all the efforts.
I went to "tuck" the kids in and tell them goodnight and lights out and as I was walking out of my middle schooler's room he said,
"Mom, thank you for today."
I asked him,
"what do you mean?"
To which he responded,
"Just. Thank you."
I walked into my bedroom and tears came to my eyes. I was reassured that even though we are struggling to communicate and he doesn't always know how or when to ask for help, just being with him allowed him to get some things off his chest that have obviously been bothering him. I can only hope that his father and I can continue to be that safe place for him to come to. I hope we are able to keep a line of communication open so that we can help him to deal with things instead of bottling them up and we can help him to decompress when things get tough in school, with friends and in life. God knows there are plenty more challenges where that came from.
I wrote this moment down in my grateful journal because I feel extremely grateful that even without a specific intention, I was able to allow him a safe place with someone he can trust to let go of some heavy stuff. It was worth the confusion and the effort.
The thing they didn't tell me about...communicating with a middle school boy is...
There are so many things that have taken my otherwise sweet and wonderful little boy and turned him into a dude I barely recognize. Obviously there are the puberty changes and so far besides a little stench, a barely there mustache and the fact that he has grown several inches in the past couple months, we are still in the very beginning phases of this. The emotions involved in puberty are far more offensive than the other stuff right now. Don't get me wrong, when I noticed a darkening patch of hair on his upper lip, I felt sad that my baby faced boy was no longer and he was starting to become a man. When he started to outgrow his clothes in weeks and upped his food intake, my pocketbook felt the strain. When he started to look like he was getting a bit more solid and not as lanky, I reminisced about how I used to hold him and carry him around upside down until we would both crumple on the floor in laughter, but none of it compares to trying to understand his personality and to communicate with him right now.
No one told me that having a middle school boy would be as emotional a roller coaster as it has been. I have been fully preparing myself for the emotional ride that my daughter (who is not a middle schooler just yet) will be putting us on and while I've been trying to figure that out, our son has completely caught me by surprise...with my pants down! (Not literally) I was expecting outbursts of anger for seemingly no reason...from my GIRL child. I was expecting many tears and sadness over friends and changes that are beyond their control...from my GIRL child. I was expecting laughter and joking and new personality traits emerging due to the friends they surround themselves by...from my GIRL child, but wasn't prepared at all for all of these things with my boy. I am shocked and unprepared. It's my own fault.
His personality is just...annoying. I love him to death and love his interests and passions. I like that he is trying out sarcasm and joking around. I don't like how he makes sound effects all day long that are sometimes noises that I find unacceptable for inside the house, or the car. I don't enjoy how he beats a joke to death by going over the punchline again and again until we are all plugging our ears, yet he still doesn't get it. I do not like how he asks me something, I give him an answer and two seconds later he asks again and expects a different outcome. What in the hecky heck??? He is like a walking meme factory filled with inside jokes shared with no one. At least no one that lives in the house with him.
Talking with him and actually getting somewhere is by far the most challenging part. You can't come right out and ask him anything or you will get a one word pretty flat answer. "Yes." "No." "O.K." is about all that comes out of there unless you are strategic. It is exhausting at the least, but I am here to tell you it is totally worth it. My husband, although having chunks of time during the week in the car with our son, gets little to no info from him during those drives BUT he keeps asking and chatting with him. Every night the hubby takes the dog for a walk and invites any and all of us to go along. During those times when just our son goes along and they have a good 20-30 minutes of just the two of them (plus dog) is when he is able to nonchalantly get our son to engage in actual conversation. For me, it is a little harder but at times easier as well. PUT FORTH THE EXHAUSTING EFFORT TO GET YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL KID TO TALK, IT IS WORTH IT EVERY TIME. Sorry I had to yell at you to get your attention but I want you to hear a story of a recent night with our son.
I noticed he was acting a bit off. I asked him and his response was, "I'm fine." That was the end of the topic. I couldn't shake the feeling that he had something on his mind, but I had to be sneaky and "trick" him into talking with me about it. Asking him outright = too obvious. He was sulky all night, which tore my mom heart up a bit, knowing he had something on his mind but didn't know how to bring it up or if he even needed to bring it up. After dinner he was up in his room building Legos by himself and I decided just to go and be with him. I knocked and asked if I could come in and doodle with his sketchbook and markers (that I saw on his bookshelf). He said sure and I was in. I laid on the floor and told him I was sorry I wasn't any good at Lego building, but I wanted to spend some time with him and appreciated him letting me doodle up his sketchbook and use the good markers. So for about 15 minutes I just drew and he just built and not many words were exchanged at all. Finally, I asked him how archery was going and one thing led to another and he was telling me about his friend troubles. No doubt a misunderstanding, but he was talking to me. I didn't interrupt and just listened and then he said,
"No I shouldn't tell you that part."
Ok this is where being his Mom came in handy because my response was,
"Well now you HAVE to tell me. I'm your Mom and you know I'm going to try to make you talk now. It's what I do."
So he continued on and told me about an interaction that had really baffled him and hurt his feelings and now he was unsure of a friend's feelings about him. BINGO. I had found what was occupying his mind and giving him such trouble and we talked it out. I asked questions and gathered information. I asked what I could do or if he needed help. We truly listened to each other and talked it out. I finally let him be and went to talk to my husband about the situation while he continued to ponder and to build. I was not reassured that I had done anything at all to help him, but I was glad that I got him to chat with me at the least. It wasn't until later that night that I was reassured it was worth all the efforts.
I went to "tuck" the kids in and tell them goodnight and lights out and as I was walking out of my middle schooler's room he said,
"Mom, thank you for today."
I asked him,
"what do you mean?"
To which he responded,
"Just. Thank you."
I walked into my bedroom and tears came to my eyes. I was reassured that even though we are struggling to communicate and he doesn't always know how or when to ask for help, just being with him allowed him to get some things off his chest that have obviously been bothering him. I can only hope that his father and I can continue to be that safe place for him to come to. I hope we are able to keep a line of communication open so that we can help him to deal with things instead of bottling them up and we can help him to decompress when things get tough in school, with friends and in life. God knows there are plenty more challenges where that came from.
I wrote this moment down in my grateful journal because I feel extremely grateful that even without a specific intention, I was able to allow him a safe place with someone he can trust to let go of some heavy stuff. It was worth the confusion and the effort.
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