Big Conversations
I work in, and our children go to, a school district that has socioeconomic diversity and children who come from various traumatic experiences. That is actually the norm in the district. It is because of this that our family has had many very big conversations, some we have been prepared for and others that there is no preparing for, but nonetheless we have had them.
I worked nights for a long time, when the children were small and I can still remember the night I got a phone call from my husband and he was calling to tell me that our 3-4 year old son had asked him about death and he wasn't prepared to talk to him and he was sure that he screwed it up. I asked him about the conversation and I was like, "you did a great job" and I truly felt that way. So many of the conversations we have with our young children, come from questions they have about situations they encounter. The main job of those conversations, in my opinion, is to satisfy the curiosity they have in their minds without giving them too much information. In this instance, talking about death and what happens after a person dies on earth, he did well.
There are many things our children are exposed to that spark conversations that some people may never have with their kids, or may at the least not talk about until their children are older, yet we must dive in and address them. Our kids are protected from many things in their lives in an effort to allow them to be kids for as long as possible. Our kids do NOT come from a traumatic home and fortunately do not even know what living that type of life is like. We take our job of raising our children seriously and spend alot of time in discussion ourselves about how to approach such topics. Even though they are big and scary, so is the world and not telling them these things is a disservice to raising them to be well adjusted and capable people.
What types of things am I talking about? Well, death, divorce and shared parenting are things that we addressed fairly early with our children of course. We have also talked about families without one or both parents and children being raised by their grandparents and why that might be. Children who come from homes with two Moms, pregnant teenagers and adoptions are all on the table. Our children have been asked to have patience regarding situations that keep me at work late too. I had a student last school year who was being removed from the home due to neglect and continued homelessness on an evening when we were at school for a family night. My husband took our children home for dinner and I stayed at school until almost 930pm to be with my student who was facing yet another traumatic event in her life and I was acting as the stable adult to help her through it. I couldn't bear to leave her knowing what I knew about the entire situation. This made me come home much later than my kids bedtime and I had to address with them the reasons I stayed. They handled it incredibly well as I explained that I wanted her to feel safe and cared for while something truly terrifying was happening to her. I knew that my own children were going home with their Daddy who loves them and would take care of them, in fact I knew they were going to be well taken care of and I did NOT know this about my student that particular evening. My daughter, who was 7 at the time actually said, "we understand Mom. She needed your love much more than we did right then and you have plenty of love to share." Talk about heart wrenching moments! That little girl hit the nail right on the head and said something that was profound for her age and she truly understood.
Right now I have students who are living in a hotel, students who are witnessing domestic violence and students who have multiple "uncles" crashing on their couch nightly. I have students who get out of their family car in a puff of smoke from God knows what and children who are without electricity, food and water often. As long as this is the world we live in, these are the conversations we will be having with our kids. It is important to me that they understand that what THEY have isn't necessarily the "norm" and that there are a whole bunch of people walking in completely different shoes from them. It doesn't make it easier to talk with them or answer their questions and some of the conversations are really rough and emotional for all of us. Big conversations are a part of raising children and having open communication in a family and keeping that a priority is good for everyone.
I worked nights for a long time, when the children were small and I can still remember the night I got a phone call from my husband and he was calling to tell me that our 3-4 year old son had asked him about death and he wasn't prepared to talk to him and he was sure that he screwed it up. I asked him about the conversation and I was like, "you did a great job" and I truly felt that way. So many of the conversations we have with our young children, come from questions they have about situations they encounter. The main job of those conversations, in my opinion, is to satisfy the curiosity they have in their minds without giving them too much information. In this instance, talking about death and what happens after a person dies on earth, he did well.
There are many things our children are exposed to that spark conversations that some people may never have with their kids, or may at the least not talk about until their children are older, yet we must dive in and address them. Our kids are protected from many things in their lives in an effort to allow them to be kids for as long as possible. Our kids do NOT come from a traumatic home and fortunately do not even know what living that type of life is like. We take our job of raising our children seriously and spend alot of time in discussion ourselves about how to approach such topics. Even though they are big and scary, so is the world and not telling them these things is a disservice to raising them to be well adjusted and capable people.
What types of things am I talking about? Well, death, divorce and shared parenting are things that we addressed fairly early with our children of course. We have also talked about families without one or both parents and children being raised by their grandparents and why that might be. Children who come from homes with two Moms, pregnant teenagers and adoptions are all on the table. Our children have been asked to have patience regarding situations that keep me at work late too. I had a student last school year who was being removed from the home due to neglect and continued homelessness on an evening when we were at school for a family night. My husband took our children home for dinner and I stayed at school until almost 930pm to be with my student who was facing yet another traumatic event in her life and I was acting as the stable adult to help her through it. I couldn't bear to leave her knowing what I knew about the entire situation. This made me come home much later than my kids bedtime and I had to address with them the reasons I stayed. They handled it incredibly well as I explained that I wanted her to feel safe and cared for while something truly terrifying was happening to her. I knew that my own children were going home with their Daddy who loves them and would take care of them, in fact I knew they were going to be well taken care of and I did NOT know this about my student that particular evening. My daughter, who was 7 at the time actually said, "we understand Mom. She needed your love much more than we did right then and you have plenty of love to share." Talk about heart wrenching moments! That little girl hit the nail right on the head and said something that was profound for her age and she truly understood.
Right now I have students who are living in a hotel, students who are witnessing domestic violence and students who have multiple "uncles" crashing on their couch nightly. I have students who get out of their family car in a puff of smoke from God knows what and children who are without electricity, food and water often. As long as this is the world we live in, these are the conversations we will be having with our kids. It is important to me that they understand that what THEY have isn't necessarily the "norm" and that there are a whole bunch of people walking in completely different shoes from them. It doesn't make it easier to talk with them or answer their questions and some of the conversations are really rough and emotional for all of us. Big conversations are a part of raising children and having open communication in a family and keeping that a priority is good for everyone.
Thanks Amy!!!! Great insight.
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