Medicated

Good Sunday morning friends.  I am writing today to let you know what kinds of things have been happening at the homestead these past few months.  I have come very close to giving up the blog, the daily inspirations, gotten lazy with doing things for myself and thought about shutting down my ladies group multiple times.  This is the nature of my disease.  Anxiety.  Mine is currently out of control, which makes my entire life out of control.  All of my relationships are out of control and I myself feel very out of control.
Back in June I went to my 6 month appointment to follow up with my doctor about my anxiety medicine.  I have been on the same medication, at various doses, for nearly 10 years now and it has worked wonderfully up until this past summer.  I told my doctor that the medicine wasn't having the same effect and I was slowly starting to feel as though my symptoms were coming back.  He suggested waiting until my graduation in July, just to make sure the medicine truly wasn't working and that it has nothing to do with my level of stress being so dang high.  Long story short, maybe the meds were doing much better than I thought at helping me have control over my super high stress life at the moment.  I agreed and I graduated with a 4.0.
In December I was scheduled for my next 6 month follow up and it was obvious that things weren't right and my medicine definitely wasn't working as well for me anymore.  I could have gone in sooner, maybe I should have gone in sooner, but I waited.  The changing of medicines is a great big ordeal in so many ways.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it sooner.  Knowing I'd have those couple of weeks off work in December to wean off of my current medicine and establish a new medication was somewhat of a relief to me.  See what you may not know about trying a new medication is that there are all kinds of weird side effects and things usually get way worse before they get better.  The nature of anxiety doesn't allow me to feel any comfort in the fact that I know that going into it.  In fact, it made me want to stick with my current regimen that much longer because of the dread and fear that gripped me about the medication change.  These are psychiatric medications that are adjusting levels of hormones that can make you feel dizzy and sick one moment, to suicidal the next moment.  There is anger, fear and many tears.  It is so incredibly hard and I am a mother.  I try to be honest with my family about my anxiety but no amount of honesty wants this to be a defining moment in their childhoods of me at one of my lowest and weakest moments in life.  Thank goodness for my husband and his never ending support and for those kids too, but that doesn't make the transition any easier.
My Grandmother ate her last bite of food early in December, my Dad spent weeks traveling back and forth from here to Michigan to take care of her in her dying moments.  She passed on January 1, 2019.  All while I am trying to transition to another medication during one hell of a stressful time.  It was brutal.  Other things happened, such as a doctor who wouldn't listen to me and my needs and treated me as such by prescribing something I clearly told him I didn't think was a good idea.  Fast forward to a doctor switch, that wasn't without extra drama and ANOTHER medication change, which is still new to me (less than a week) and I am hopeful that things are on track.  The thing is, they may be on track or they may not be and this may not be the medication/treatment for me.  I am part of the low 25% of people who seek help and treatment for my anxiety.  I talk about it to help others and myself stay strong.  I am honest and open about it because it is important not to hide.  I have nothing to be ashamed of, this is who I am.

In the heart and spirit of being honest with you, I am scared.  I hope this medication works wonderfully and this is the last transition for a long time.  10 years was a pretty good run on the last medication.  There is a chance it won't be the last medication for awhile though and if it isn't, I will keep working hard to get better and have more control.  I have to.  In the switching of medicines there were many days of exhaustion, not even wanting to get out of bed sometimes and near panic attacks.  I struggled with shortness of breath daily, bursting into tears daily and struggling to keep my ass up and out of bed until it was an acceptable bedtime, for my children's sake. I made many apologies to them after an outburst and I showed them my tears all the damn time, despite trying to fight it.  I had thoughts that no brain should have about my family being better off without my crazy and my poor husband being able to have happiness with a wife that wasn't like me.  It was brutal.  None of this is a pity party or reaching for compliments or anything from you, this is the nature of the illness and for those that don't know about it, I am trying to be real.  I have never been suicidal, although I have heard these medications can do this to some people, I have never actually wanted to take myself out in order to make my family's lives better.  I would be lying if I told you I didn't feel completely worthless and more of a dredge on society and a burden to my family though, and that is why I am sharing this with all of you.  Fingers crossed that this one works for me.

Even though I wanted to quit writing and I stopped looking out for myself, I did NOT let myself do it.  I know what I am supposed to do for me, I know what I need even if my brain fights against it sometimes.  I am trying to be brave in the face of mental illness and I am learning how to stand up to my anxiety more each day.

If I can help anyone out there, please message me, call me, get in touch with me in any way you know how.  I do understand and I will make the time for you.  I am not ashamed of you nor do I view you as weak, even if you are in a place where you are ashamed and feel weak.