Anxiety with a Capital A

I recently read an article titled,  "9 Surprising Signs You May Have Anxiety" and I found it very interesting.  I have long been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which began in my mid-teen years.  I am sure if I look back far enough, I definitely had signs and symptoms of anxiety WAY before my first official diagnosis, but I choose not to explore that further.  I have had anxiety issues "for as long as I can remember" and that is enough.
I have fallen victim to the way of thinking that my anxiety was a sign of weakness and I just needed to be mentally stronger to beat it.  I fell into that trap of thinking that this was something to hide and be ashamed of too.  I have tried to tell myself to "get over it" and to "move on" and to "stop worrying so much" and have tried all kinds of methods other than medication to gain some control over this Anxiety.
When I found out I was pregnant with Henry, the choice seemed easy, get off of all medications in order to do what is healthiest for our child.  No brainer right?  Yup and that is what I did.  I wasted no time trying to get back on my medication upon having him because I was miserable in my own skin.  When we found out about Callie, I handled things completely differently and went immediately to the doctor to ask him which medication was safest to remain taking while pregnant with our child.  Why the difference?  I was amazed that Jon stayed married to me through my first pregnancy to be honest.  If I wanted to have an argument over something completely stupid, ie the sky is purple and the grass is orange, I would argue to the death.  I was truly out of control of my emotions across the board.  They made no sense even in my own head.
After we had Henry, I was still a complete wreck of emotions and couldn't handle life very well.  I loved my husband and our child and hated myself.  I was always overwhelmed, under rested and just a ball of nervous energy.  It was until that moment, at the age of 27, when I remember telling myself (out loud), "Amy, you just cannot deal with every day life without some help and that HAS to be ok."

I have been on medication ever since and have not tried to get off of it again.  There were a few times during my college years when I thought I was good and could begin the process of weaning off of my medicine.  I did ok for awhile, but the signs and symptoms returned and each time they were worse than before.  When I got pregnant I felt I had no choice, for the safety of my unborn child, and again I just couldn't do it without my medication and therapies.  The biggest problem is that I was still subscribing to the belief that my anxiety was my weakness and I wasn't a good wife or parent if I couldn't appreciate every moment of this life I had created and wanted so very much.  But you know what? That is such crap and I will tell you why.  This is who I am.  It is chemical and has nothing to do with my gratefulness or lack there of.  It has nothing to do with my love for others or lack of love for myself.  This is how I am wired and until I was ok with it, I was hiding it.
Another reason it is ok is because it isn't something I can just "turn off" or "get over" and I am being completely honest here when I tell you that if it were that easy to just "turn it off" I would be the first damn person in line to do just that because living inside this head and mind is EXHAUSTING in every way possible.  I don't even want to be around me at times.  Like right now, when I have no patience for anyone in my house and they haven't even done anything to make me feel this way.  The only way I can "deal" with my out of control anxiety right now, is to stay away from them, which is counter-intuitive to the MAX because they are the ones who love and support me the most, but I need to stay away from them???

If you ask anyone the opposite of the word "strong" they will tell you "weak."  If you look up synonyms for the word weakness you will get things like: instability, flaw, deficiency powerlessness and fault.  All very negative connotations of course, as expected, but do you know what is very strong?  Admitting your "vulnerabilities" and knowing what your "deficiencies" are and being able to work on yourself to rise above them.  Knowing that you have these "flaws" but overcoming them even if sometimes you are just barely overcoming them, that is strength.  Durability, courage, toughness and fortitude are things I must work hard at, but are things I show every single day.  You know what a synonym for ALL of those qualities just happens to be?  Strength.  Every day that I get up and get out there and overcome, is me showing strength.  Every day that I give a name to this challenge that could easily take over my life and every day I offer support to those who still view it as their weakness, is me showing strength for them and for myself.  Even when my brain cannot think logically and even when I DON'T know that things will be ok, I have been strong and resilient so far and I am not going to stop overcoming this beast anytime soon.